September 24, 2015

  • Using Self-Talk to Improve Your Game

    If an idiot were to tell you the same story every day for a year, you would end by believing it.
    - Horace Mann

    In a recent article on How to Build Confidence, I identified positive self-talk as one of the core components of mental fitness that leads to high levels of confidence.

    Today, I want to go into some more depth on how you can leverage self-talk to improve your confidence and interactions with women by using some specific, targeted tactics.

    What is Self-Talk and Why Should I Care?
    We all have a certain level of ‘internal monologue’ — an ‘inner voice’ that is always speaking to us about, well, everything. “Wow, this music is great. She’s soo fat. I can’t believe he thinks those shoes are cool. Is my nose shiny right now? When will this meeting end?” Etcetera.

    Self-talk isn’t composed of just this mundane chatter, however; it also contains crucial statements about ourselves and the place in the world that reflect our self-worth. “You could never get a girl like that,” or “I’m out of her league” or “She was right to tell me off, I always make an ass of myself.”

    Very few of us are aware of this inner monologue; and if we are aware of it, we typically don’t think about consciously changing it — but that is exactly what we must learn to do, if we are going to improve our lives and our interactions with women.

    Our self-talk is the key to shaping and molding our perceptions of the world. It provides not only the clearest window into our inner mental life, but also the most accessible tool through which to change that life.

    The power of self talk stems from its three main characteristics:

    1. It is repetitive
    2. It is unconscious
    3. It is completely automatic

    By “unconscious” I mean that self-talk, once accepted by the conscious mind, will also be accepted by the unconscious mind. The unconscious mind — which also plays a crucial role in visualization — has no powers of judgment and is therefore the perfect tool to harness in the service of our conscious goals and aims.

    By automatic I mean that self-talk happens whether we want it to or not; our only decision is whether we want to have some input into the content of the messages that will be unconsciously accepted and repeated until they are part of the very fabric of our brain matter.

    So, why should you care? Because if you are human, you have internalized pieces of self talk that you did not consciously decide on. This may be messages from your childhood or peer groups, ideas you have been given that you either accepted uncritically, or that were repeated to you until you accepted them, that may be harming you. In the Horace Mann quote that leads off this article, you are the “idiot” telling yourself the same story month in and year out — even if it was a story that was originally handed to you by someone else, someone who may not have had your best interests at heart.

    In order to root out these poisonous pieces of self-talk, and replace them with more adaptive messages, you must take an active role in your inner monologue. You must take control of it, so that it will say what you want it to say. As you might imagine, there are some tactics and techniques that will help you accomplish this more quickly and effectively: we turn to those now.

    Harnessing the Power of Self-Talk
    The whole point of being aware of your self-talk, and how it impacts your effectiveness and quality of life, is to be able to design new messages that will replace those messages that are maladaptive.

    Any new piece of self-talk you design should follow some general guidelines, which are based on the principles of the most impactful self-talk:

    1. Consistency
    2. Commitment
    3. Emotional tagging
    4. Active voice

    Let’s take them one at a time.

    Consistency
    Repetition is absolutely crucial for turning new ideas into automatic self-talk. Expect to repeat a given new message to yourself at least 100 times before it starts to sink in. The more oppositional the message is to an existing piece of self talk, the more repetitions you will need.

    Say your current self-talk bit is “I’m no good with women.” If you are trying to replace this with an extremely oppositional statement, such as “Women love me and I am very skilled at interacting with them,” you will not only need to structure that message in such a way that the mind will accept it without too much fuss — tactics for which we’ll examine in a moment — you will need to repeat the SHIT out of it.

    Let your new pieces of positive self-talk become mantras. Anchor them to existing habits, such as brushing your teeth, passing through doorways, or driving your car. Repeat them as you are lying in bed each night, as you fall asleep (this last being especially effective).

    Above all, have patience. Repetition may seem “boring”, but it is also incredibly powerful; some of the negative messages you are currently playing have been years in the making. Commit to the process and let your consistency do its work.

    Commitment
    Your commitment to implementing a new self-talk message is absolutely fundamental to whether or not it will “stick”. You must make your new message absolutely a fixture in your life. Engage all the modalities you can think of, including but not limited to:

    • Writing your new self-talk on a 3×5 card and carrying it with you, to review during down time throughout the day
    • Saying your new piece of self-talk out loud, engaging your sense of hearing
    • Recording yourself saying your self-talk and playing it back to yourself
    • Paint your self-talk, or draw it, in a creative way, and display your creation in your home
    • Picture the words of your self-talk internally, as against a blank screen
    • Write out your new pieces of self-talk physically each day, or at a certain time each week
    • By bringing your self-talk into the “reality” of your life in these ways, you are increasing its impact on your unconscious mind.

    You can improve your self-talk without this level of commitment, but your results won’t be as quick or deep.

    Emotional Tagging
    Statements carrying an emotional payload have a much, much greater impact on the subconscious mind than similar statements that are not so laden.

    When you design a new piece of self-talk, then, keep in mind what emotions it will inspire in you, and when you repeat that statement — for example, “I am really good with women” — actually let yourself feel the emotions that such a statement triggers. Do this each time you repeat the mantra and you will be generating a positive emotional state, as well as re-wiring your brain.

    Remember, we are emotional creatures, and — as much as we might like to deny it — our memory is emotionally cued and accessed, and most our decisions are emotionally based. Take advantage of this by training yourself to feel good with positive self-talk.

    Active Voice
    Whenever thinking of new affirmations or pieces of self-talk, use active voice.

    There is a difference between saying “I persist through approach anxiety” or “I am good with women” (which the mind, being dualistic, will counter) and “I feel great knowing I persist through approach anxiety” (which the mind cannot logically counter). (For a more in-depth explanation of this phenomenon, see Identity-Level Beliefs and the Game).

    Also good are “I intend to do this” and “I am going to allow myself to have (X,Y)”. Statements made in the present tense or with the strength of the word intention or will may have more impact than statements that focus on “wants”, “needs” or the vague, undefined “future”.

    Now that we’ve examined the general principles you should be using to design new self-talk statements, let’s talk about how to use these statements in your life in the most powerful way possible.

    Inner Vs. Outer Self-Talk
    Working with your self-talk will bring to you a greater awareness of the difference between the Inner World — that is, your self-talk that happens internally and that you say to yourself out loud when others aren’t around — and the Outer World, or the world and words you share with your peers and colleagues.

    Realize that Inner self-talk can be wildly and unabashedly congratulatory. You have to become your own #1 Biggest Fan. Think about it: If you are not your own best friend and biggest fan, why should anyone else be? (Paradoxically, if you wait around for someone else to recognize how awesome you are and become your Number One Fan, the position will never get filled; but once you fill it with your own self-promoting self-talk, your fan club will spring up virtually overnight).

    So, when designing self-talk for your own inner ear only, or even self-talk that you will repeat out loud while you are alone, go wild. Tell yourself you feel like a Rockstar, King or Queen of the World because you Are Absolutely Without a Doubt Number One Ass-Kickin’ Name-Takin’ Card-Carryin’ Accept No Substitutes Stupendous Bad-Ass.

    Outwardly, though, you need to be more moderate, and restrain yourself; you risk alienating others as being too full of yourself, cocky, arrogant or narcissistic if you allow that wild inner cheering voice out; it would be socially uncalibrated. When you are with others, carry yourself with a quiet confidence; rather than talking yourself up, when asked about your abilities simply say, “Yes, I can do that.” All the while knowing internally that you’re The Shit.

    A lot of seduction literature contradicts this suggestion, saying instead you ought to be much more self-aggrandizing than usual with women, because it provokes curiosity and demonstrates positive self-regard and a strong frame; and this is true, to an extent, but as with all of this, it is possible to take it too far. Once the line is crossed from confidence into cockiness, and from positive self-image to narcissism, most healthy women will actually begin to lose attraction; there’s nothing sexy about a self-congratulatory blowhard.

    This distinction goes deep to the root of the difference between the Inner World and the Outer World, and the power contained in both. I believe all of us possess a rich inner world that is the source of our power; if you show everyone else in the world everything that’s in the Inner World, you are an open book, and you have no power base hidden within you; but secret away your keys to energy, your most fundamental source of praise and adulation, and it will retain its power, since nobody else will be privy to what it is you are thinking that provokes that sly smile on your face. There is great power in restraint.

    When you conserve your internal source of power and don’t give in to the temptation to bragging and hubris, others will be more likely to recognize and praise you, providing a source of power from the Outer World that will lead to social proof, and reinforce your existing positive self-talk.

    There is much more that could be said on that topic, but it’s time to bring this article to a close. Hopefully you’ve gotten as much out of reading it as I’ve gotten out of writing it.